


Photograph

by GrangerousNerd



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe- Human!Castiel, Angst and Tragedy, Castiel and Dean are married, Death, EdSheeran-Photograph, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Married Couple, Mental Anguish, Sad, September 11 Attacks, Songfic, Songlyrics, Tragedy, Twin tower bombings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 13:15:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6425482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrangerousNerd/pseuds/GrangerousNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since they were kids, Castiel and Dean had always kept their promises to each other. But one particular incident has Castiel realising that promises are mere words, just as photographs are mere pictures; sheer reminders of memories. As Castiel struggles to overcomes these photographs and memories, he learns to accept that the only way to reach Dean is to live on. Song- Photograph by Ed Sheeran.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Photograph

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! This is my first time in Ao3, not the first in writing fanfictions and certainly not the first in writing about Destiel. That being said, I would appreciate it a lot if you would drop in a comment about how to improve my writings and of course about how much you liked the story. Constructive criticism is greatly welcomed.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters and the song do not belong to me

_**Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes**_  
_**But it's the only thing that I know**_

The caretaker was sweeping through the leaves that had fallen in the tombs. Even though, it was autumn and no amount of sweeping will bring him any good, he continued sweeping, for getting his salary and keeping his family fed was all he cared about . Sure, it was monotonous and cumbersome job, watching the solid tombs all day, with a person or two rarely visiting the graves of their beloved ones. He tried to figure out the stories of the dead from the words carved in their tombs, feeling sad for ones with nothing or no one to mark their tombs. This morning, however, he was in for a weird sight.  
  
A middle aged man, with dark hair, purple shadows under his eyes was resting against a headstone, hugging it. That particular grave was one of the ones which only had the person’s name but nothing else to show who he was, or whether he existed. Only his name did. Dust had gathered on it; the caretaker hadn’t bothered with that particular one.He only swept the tombs,which were regularly or at least occasionally visited .  He reached out, thinking of waking up the man, but got hesitant at the last minute and passed it by.

 

 _**When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes** _  
_**It is the only thing that makes us feel alive** _

Castiel felt alive after a long time. Ironical, how the dead could make a man’s heart pump hard again, his lung’s fuller with all the air around him. All the reachable yet, un-breathable air. Yes, he felt alive, yet he was hollow. His body felt like lead. He couldn’t do anything, except lie there, against _his_ headstone, breathing, living and at the same time, dying. Dying to hear his laugh, to see his green eyes crinkling in a warm smile, to feel his warm breathe against his own lips.

Yes, being alive was the worst thing that could happen to Castiel right now.

 

 _**We keep this love in a photograph** _  
_**We made these memories for ourselves** _  
_**Where our eyes are never closing** _  
_**Hearts are never broken** _  
_**And time's forever frozen still** _

Castiel tried to move his hand to take out the picture in his wallet. But his hand was lead just like the rest of his body, as if he had gone into some sort of paralytic shock. He tried to remember the memory, but that too had faded away. The only thing that remained real was the photograph. He imagined it.  All three of them had been caught mid-laugh. Sam had been almost crying with laughter, while Dean and he had been wheezing. There had been some sort of a ride behind them, with fireworks lighting up the night sky. He couldn’t remember, although he tried so desperately, where they had been or what they had been laughing about. Just the reminder of their youth and happiness remained.

 

 _**So you can keep me** _  
_**Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans** _  
_**Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet** _  
_**You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home** _

“I don’t want to you go, Dean!”  
  
“But Cas, it’s only for a day. Besides, I haven’t seen grandmamma in ages!”

“But if you go, then I won’t see you for three days!”

The two boys were holding each other’s hand, as the younger one tried consoling the older, blue eyed boy.  Castiel was sniffing slightly and rubbing his eyes, when Dean gave him a drawing of two stick figures, the shorter one with blond hair and green eyes and the taller one with dark hair and blue eyes, holding each other’s hands while the words ‘Best Friends’  was written on top of the drawing. Castiel became silent, looking down at the sketch with wonder and awe. He knew Dean hated to draw so the picture was worth a lot to the eight year old. Giving his friend a dazzling smile, he hugged Dean.

“Cas, whenever you miss me, just look this drawing. It’ll be just like when we are together!”  
  
“Dean, we gwotta gow!”, Sam babbled is his toddle voice from inside the car, as the engine revved.  Giving Cas a panicked look, Dean ran to his dad’s Impala. As the car drove away, Cas ran after it, as long as his little legs would carry him. He could see Dean waving back, tears falling down his chubby cheeks, as Cas, tripping on a stray stone, fell down on the road.

That night, as Castiel went to bed, he kept the drawing right beside his pillow, his hand resting on Dean’s stick figure.

 _**Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul** _  
_**And it's the only thing that I know, know** _  
_**I swear it will get easier,** _  
_**Remember that with every piece of you** _  
_**And it's the only thing we take with us when we die** _

 

He remembered their promises to each other.  Their silent looks and gazes. The way every time their hands met unconsciously, their mouths upturned in a smile unknown to everyone else except them. Their unspoken promise, to keep their promise unbroken.

 

It had been a fragile thing in reality. And like all fragile things, it had broken into shards.

It was the only thing he had to remember Dean by.

He couldn’t take anything else of Dean’s with him, but the memories couldn’t be snatched from Castiel either.

 

 _**We keep this love in this photograph** _  
_**We made these memories for ourselves** _  
_**Where our eyes are never closing** _  
_**Hearts were never broken** _  
_**And time's forever frozen still** _

 

Castiel had loved taking photos.  Be it any sort of a party, or scenery or something quite ordinary, he had loved capturing images.

So, on his 18th birthday, when Dean had taken him on a drive in the Impala to their childhood hangout at the small lake, and had given him a Polaroid camera, Castiel had been pleasantly surprised. Grinning at Dean, like a sugar high child who had found a huge stack of candy, he hugged him.

 

“Happy birthday, Cas,” Dean had whispered next to his ear. Castiel shivered slightly, hugging Dean tight. Later when he reached home, he gazed down at the picture of Dean he had taken.  It was a side profile of Dean’s, his eyes appearing brighter, golden light dusting across his freckles.  Sitting on his study table, with that picture clutched his hands; Castiel realized the most obvious thing in the world.

 

He was in love with his best friend.

 

 _**So you can keep me** _  
_**Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans** _  
_**Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet** _  
_**You won't ever be alone** _

“It’s ok, Cas. I’ll be back before you know it! Besides it’s only for two weeks.”

“I don’t understand why you have to go now. Sam will be visiting us on Halloween anyways, Dean.”

 

“I want to surprise him. Besides, he has been working too hard. Didn’t you hear him on the phone the other day? He sounded exhausted. Worse than Baby has been sounding recently. I’m gonna force him into visiting us early. But till then, I gotta take care of my baby brother, we are the only family he’s got and you need to hold the fort here.”

 

Castiel simply nodded, refusing to meet his husband’s eyes. Dean sighed, wrapping his arms around his husband, who was quietly kneading and rolling out the dough to make pie.

 

“Babe, why are you so against me going?”

 

Castiel stopped his kneading.  Letting out a breath, he leaned back engulfing himself in Dean’s warmth. “I just think it’s quite an unnecessary journey.”

 

Dean huffed. “You do know that if it was that unnecessary, I wouldn’t go in the first place. You know how much I hate flying. But Sammy’s alone there in New York, working himself to his bones. He needs me.”

 

“And I don’t?”

 

Dean smiled at Castiel. Nuzzling his husband’s neck, he murmured, “I’ll always be with you, Cas.”

 

Oh, how he had lied.

 

He was not close to Castiel anymore. Only an imprint of him on a small piece of paper had remained.

 

Insignificant, it was compared to the real, breathing Dean, who had been quite solid and _there_ against Castiel’s body.

 

The photograph had worn thin. So had Castiel. Both mentally and physically.

 

 _ **And if you hurt me**_  
_**That's okay baby, only words bleed**_  
_**Inside these pages you just hold me**_  
_**And I won't ever let you go**_

 

Castiel had a restless night. He hadn’t been to sleep and had texted Dean several times. He knew Dean wouldn’t be able to reply while he was on the plane but still, Castiel couldn’t shake this nervous feeling. Restlessly so, he had gone to bed and fallen asleep.  So, when Charlie had called at about nine o’clock in the morning, he had jerked wake. Dizzy, he took the call.

“Morninn’ Charless..” Castiel yawned. “Wass  goin’ on?”

 

“ _Cas, I, I think you should watch the news_.” Castiel had never heard Charlie’s voice sounding so small and thin. He blinked twice, wrapped a sleeping gown around his body and trudged downstairs, his phone still in his hand.  He switched on the TV and surfed around till he reached a news channel.  
  
**“This just came in. You’re looking at a very disturbing live shot there. That is the world trade centre and we have unconfirmed report that this morning a plane crashed into one of the towers of world trade centre in the south of the island of Manhattan...”**

****

“Cas, Castiel.. Can you he-hear me, I..?”

World Trade Centre... Manhattan....

“Castiel? H-hello? C-Cas, calm y-yourself.... Just c-ca...”

That was where Sam worked. No...

But maybe he didn’t work up in the top floors. So they both must be safe. He had to believe they were alive.

“I- Cas... Please reply may- ”

 

Castiel didn’t reply. He simply terminated her call, and called Dean.  When he kept going over to voicemail, he called Sam, in hopes that if Sam was safe, Dean would be with him, both the brothers quite alright. When even Sam didn’t pick up his cell, with the TV still on, he tried contacting everyone he knew in Manhattan, who might have an idea about the whereabouts of the Winchesters. No one could answer him properly.

 

_**Wait for me to come home** _

At around five in the evening, it had been confirmed that Sam and Dean Winchester had died in the crash of the World Trade Centre. They hadn’t been on the attacked floor but had apparently crushed under the debris.

 

Castiel didn’t break down. He simply went to the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee.  Jody, Bobby, Ash, Ellen, Jo and Charlie were all in his living room. Jody was crying her eyes out in Bobby’s arms as he comforted her in his gruff voice and yet tears trickled down his eyes too.  Ellen leaned against the wall breathing deeply, while Ash sat on the floor, his jaw tight, resolutely staring off into the space, not meeting anyone’s eyes. Charlie had run out into the garage and Jo had followed.

 

_**Wait for me to come home** _

Most of the others had left. Ellen had stayed over, cooked him dinner and gave him a hug before she went.

 

“They will call again, Ellen. They must’ve made a mistake. They are probably trapped somewhere waiting to be rescued.”

 

Ellen looked up at him, her eyes red. “Sure boy. You just make sure that stuff reaches your stomach.”

 

Castiel didn’t touch his dinner. He waited.

 

When the phone rang, Castiel rushed towards it and picked it.

 

“Are they ok? Tell me Sam and Dean Winchester are alright!” He yelled into the phone.

 

“I... Have you eaten anything yet, Castiel?”

 

Castiel had an urge to throw the phone away. He had never been this frustrated to hear Charlie’s voice. “Why have you called Charlie?”

 

“To check on you,” Charlie’s voice sounded muffled.

 

“I’m fine. I’m just waiting for the call.”

 

“Cas... it’s 1 a.m. I don’t think they’re... I mean... Sam and Dean a-are probably ... ”  


“No! No, Charlie you’re wrong! They’re going to call. Sam and Dean are going to come back. And I will berate the both of them for making me so scared, for not picking up my calls.. then,  I will make Sam promise that he is no longer going to work in Manhattan anymore but here in Lawrence, Kansas. And then Dean will try to pacify me and I...I  will end up kis...sing him and we will celebrate Halloween t-together and... And ...  I...” , Castiel’s voice sounded so weak even as he shouted into the phone. He slid down on the floor, all energy gone and simply curled up into a ball, crying his heart out.  Charlie was silent, wiping her own tears. She listened to his heartbroken sobs, her free hand tightened into a fist.

 

“He promised, Charlie.”

 

“Cas, listen...”

“ He _fucking_ promised to me.”

 

“ I know...”

 

“Dean gave me his word. And he _never_ broke his word before.”

 

Charlie choked slightly over the phone, unable to bear her friend’s heartbreaking cries anymore.

 

 “Why? Why _now_?”

 

_**Wait for me to come home** _

They didn’t find the bodies either, so there had been nothing to bury. Two simple tombstones with Dean and Sam’s names were built in the graveyard. Castiel didn’t do anything anymore. He would listlessly lie in his bed, not responding to anything, not even to the ringing doorbell. He left Dean’s side of the bed untouched and would occasionally sit in the shower, curling up into a ball below the running water. He hadn’t eaten for days when suddenly one morning, the front door broke open and a familiar voice shouted inside the house.

“Castiel Novak-Winchester, wherever you are you better come here, this very instant.”

 

‘Gabriel’, Castiel’s mind registered hearing the shout. He hadn’t met his brother in such a long time. But now, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to see him. He didn’t think he even had the strength to go down or call Gabriel up. Before he could contemplate on what to do, Gabriel had stormed up the stairs and flung the bedroom door open. Seeing, his baby brother on the dirty bed, all skin and bones, his skin a pale sickly color, he stood by the door, stunned.

“Hello there, brother dear,” Castiel sounded very feeble and fragile. As if he might simply break by a feather touch.

 

“Oh, Cassie what have you done to yourself?”

 

_**Wait for me to come home** _

Castiel leaned against the headstone. It had been exactly thirteen months since that day. Thirteen.

 

He still waited.

 

Not for Dean and Sam to come back.

 

But to return to them.

 

He knew they were the ones waiting now. Especially Dean. Because, without the green-eyed boy, his best friend, his lover, his husband, Castiel was lost. He tried finding his way back, but his only compass was gone. He only had bits and pieces of maps treasured among those photographs. But they weren’t helpful any longer. He had been trying to find his way back but realised that the only way to reach them was to forge his own path. He smiled down at the tombstones.

“And I will Dean. I promise,” he said out loud to the silence of the crispy autumn air.

 

 _**You can fit me** _  
_**Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen** _  
_**Next to your heartbeat where I should be** _  
_**Keep it deep within your soul** _

All the memories remained with Castiel.

 

Previously, he had used them to retreat to his own world, a patched and frayed world, which could never keep him satisfied. He had looked at the map they made and had been frustrated and broken, on seeing how imperfect and weak it was.

 

But now, he knew better.  Those promises no longer seemed to be broken or weak. They were simply tools to help make his own way. He couldn’t have Dean and Sam next to him, but he would carry their love with him as he forged out his own road and destiny.

 

They would be right next to him. In his heart and soul.

 

 _**And if you hurt me** _  
_**Well, that's okay baby, only words bleed** _  
_**Inside these pages you just hold me** _  
_**And I won't ever let you go** _

After a few months, Castiel had sold off the house. He had given up his job as a Tax Accountant in the Angel Enterprises. For a few months, he stayed over at Gabriel’s place in Birmingham, helping his brother pay the rent by doing odd jobs here and there. New city, new places, and new people gradually helped Castiel to recover from his grief and loss. His friends back from Lawrence visited him too.

 

One evening, when Castiel had returned from the local library after returning a few books, he had opened his door only to have a red blur hurling itself at him.

“Cas!”

 

Managing to regain his balance, he somehow managed to wave at Joe who was waving at him from the door, a huge grin on her face.

 

“I think a few of my ribs cracked, Bradbury.”

 

Releasing him from her hug Charlie grinned up at him. “I am dating Jo, now!” She yelled barely able to contain her excitement. Said blonde, rolled her eyes placing the huge packet of food on the kitchen counter.

 

“You were supposed to wait for some time. After all, it’s been ages since you last saw him.”

 

“Exactly, Jo! It’s been _ages_ since I last saw him.”

* * *

 

The three of them were sitting on the floor by the sofa, surrounded by empty bottles of beer and empty packets of food, guffawing over some joke when the door lock clicked again and in came Gabriel, office bag slinging over one arm and groceries in his other hand. The girls got up and hugged him as Castiel took the groceries to the kitchen to put them in the fridge.

 

“... and then that guy came to her in a bar and-” Castiel chortled as he re-entered the sitting/dining room to see the red-head animatedly talking to Gabriel about the one time a guy tried to hit on Jo, while the blonde tidied up the floor littered with the packets and set the mess apart to a corner of the floor. She came up to Castiel and linking her arm with his, stood there watching the other two bitch about that guy.

 

“You’re very lucky to have her, Jo,” Castiel said, his mouth stretched in a wide smile.

 

“I know,Cas. I am so very happy now... I still can’t believe that such a wonderful person like her ended up with me... It’s almost surreal at times.”

 

Castiel gave Jo a one armed hug and ruffled her hair. “I'm glad for you.”

 

“What about you Cas? Have you... found someone... or been on a date?” Hearing the question, Castiel stilled, his eyes fixed at a point above Jo’s head. After thirty seconds of uncomfortable silence,

“Sorry Cas. I.. I ..shouldn’t have .. it’s just- ”

 

“It’s alright, Jo.”

“Cas, I- ”

 

“ It’s _alright_.”

Jo buried her face onto Castiel’s shoulder, squeezing him. Later into the night, after watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade while stuffing his face with food, Gabriel retired to his room, saying he needed to get up early in the morning. He had offered his room to Jo and Charlie but Castiel had waved that off, saying that Gabriel needed his rest and offered his room to the girls instead. Soon after having a light supper, Jo retired to Castiel’s room leaving Castiel and Charlie on the sitting room floor with the TV on, where some late night commercials were playing.

“Ah, it’s been long since we hung out like, hasn’t it Cas?” Charlie sighed, laying down on the floor, hands outstretched. Castiel smiled at her, nodding. He stretched out his legs pushing back against the sofa.

 

“How are the others?”

 

“They’re good. They all miss you, and-”

 

“Well, I miss them too-”

 

“-And them.”

 

The ‘them’ seemed to echo around the room. Castiel looked away from the screen, his hands limp against his side.

 

“Do you miss them, Cas? Sam and Dean?”

 

Castiel’s eyes almost became wet against his will. It’s been so long since he had heard those names out loud. Gabriel never brought them up for the fear of seeing his baby brother lose it all again and Castiel too hadn’t said anything.

 

“I do, Charlie. I thought... I thought, after almost two years, I’d be able to let go... to at least some extent. But every morning waking up in a different bed without him by my bedside, every day knowing that the phone would never ring, with the echo of Sam’s jovial laughter on the other side, it makes me, unhappy... sad.”

 

Clearing his throat, Cas gave a small smile. “I know it’s cheesy and loser-ish, but-”

 

Charlie interrupted him, hugging him tightly at the waist, her face buried in his shirt.

 

“I think I’m starting to move on. Because I know now that they’ll always be there for me.”

 _**When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me** _  
_**Under the lamppost back on Sixth street** _  
_**Hearing you whisper through the phone,** _  
_**"Wait for me to come home."** _

**Two years** **later**

“Well Castiel, that was great. I’ve honestly never had a better date,” Benny Lafitte said, Castiel’s present editor.  They had worked hard the last six months for the release of Castiel’s first ever novel, ‘The Righteous Man’ -a detective thriller with a side of romance. And even though it had been Castiel’s first book, it was a smash hit. A few weeks after the release, Benny had confessed to Castiel about his feelings and here they were today, the end of their first date. Having promised Benny the prospect of another date and a book, Castiel stood by the window of his apartment for some time, looking outside to the street, long after Benny had left. He stared at the lamppost below him, on the street.

When Dean and Castiel had returned from their first date at the Roadhouse, and they both were slightly red in the faces from the cold. It was pretty dark. When Castiel reached by the Winchester’s home, Dean had invited him in, but Castiel had refused, saying he had to complete his homework and so should Dean.

 

“My adorable dork,” Dean had said, ruffling the older but shorter boy’s hair. Castiel had turned even redder. Sighing at Cas’s embarrassment, Dean had grabbed his face and kissed him right under the lamppost in the midst of the dark street. Their kiss had broken apart, when Sam had shouted at Dean from the porch of their house,

 

“Get back home, jerk. You can be lovey dovey with Cas later!”

 

“Bitch!” Dean had shouted over his back and then giving Cas one more quick kiss, he ran back home.

 

In the present, as Cas gazed down at another lamppost in another city, he could almost see Dean leaning against it, grinning up at him.He waved at the blurry, but familiar figure from behind his window, not knowing whether it was real or just a figment of his imagination, but not bothered, because after all,it was Dean.

 

“I’ll be home soon,” Cas mouthed, smiling.

 

Because home, ultimately is, where the heart is.


End file.
